Tips for Parents When Transitioning a New Partner into an Already Established Family Unit
“There are 2 other significant relationships in your life that you need to seriously and genuinely consider: your children and your co-parent. It may not be easy, and I can guarantee it will push you out of your comfort zone. ”
It is common place for relationships to end and I believe in part it is because society no longer judges people like they did years ago. It is no longer taboo and there is no longer stigma attached to divorce/separation. Which is good as we no longer have people staying in toxic and terrible relationships which can damage the person and the children, instead they are moving on. In theory we should have a happier more well-balanced society.
I have noticed in my practice that a lot of those relationships that end involve young children, and the parents have entered into new relationships. I inevitably hear complaints that the co-parent* “doesn’t like my new partner”. Or the co-parent “is being nasty“. The co-parent blah blah blah… you get the drift.
And when I delve deeper, I find out that the co-parent was never told about the new relationship; the children told them about it after meeting the new partner. That the co-parent has never had the opportunity to meet this new person who is now hanging around their children. And to that my clients usually say ‘but they’ve never asked to meet them’ or ‘they wouldn’t want to‘… really?! Ok… have you ever genuinely offered or tried to arrange a meeting? Have you even asked? Have you thought about how to introduce your children to your new relationship? Or did it just happen? Now now, don’t fib – let’s be honest – it usually just happens without informing your co-parent and without prepping the children. There is usually no logical thought given about it, it just happens organically because you’re so happy you’ve met someone else. No real thought is given to the children or your co-parent or how they would feel or react. And why not, it is all about you isn’t it?
Sorry to burst that bubble, but it’s not. Don’t get me wrong; yes, I’m happy for you that you have found someone else. And yes, I genuinely wish it well and hope it is long term and they really are ‘the one’. But what I am not happy with is the lack of thought towards 2 other significant relationships in your life – I’m talking about your children and your co-parent.
Your new love, the ‘step parent’, your ‘partner’ is coming into an already established family unit. It’s like a new employee coming into an existing business. They aren’t going to be the leader straight away (if at all). They may not be liked straight away (again, if at all). But they need to know their place, responsibilities and their boundaries – as do everyone else. It may not all go to plan – but at least start with a plan! As they say, ‘failing to plan is planning to fail’.
So, my tips for parents to help transition your new partner into an already established family unit:
Timing. Timing of when the children are told about and when they will meet your new partner. And vice versa for the co-parent (hint hint they should be told before your children are told or meet them!). I often find parents (with no ill intent) asking the children questions about this new person in their lives, usually because the other parent has told them nothing, or something next to that! Think about if the shoe was on the other foot and you found out from the children that your co-parent is with someone else, and the children have already met them and are hanging out with them?! It’s psychological, it would put anyone on the back foot. So don’t do it to your co-parent, have more respect for them than that. Communicate!
Once your co-parent is told about your new partner, arrange for them to meet and get to know them. I’m not saying they’ll be best friends, or even friends, the worst they should ever be is an acquaintance (never the enemy!). You’d be surprised about how many partners have never met the co-parent, even years after they have been on the scene!! And a useful tip – let it be at the co-parents pace; don’t push it, but certainly encourage it. You’d be surprised how happy it will make the children to know that those they love the most all know each other and get along.
It’s not your partner’s battle. If you and your co-parent are fighting or have a disagreement – your partner needs to take a step back. Rarely have I seen a partner help the situation, despite their good intentions (especially if tips 1 and 2 have not been considered at all). They should be there to support you, but they need to let you deal with the issues yourself. You are the parent. It is your time to step up in times of disagreements, not your partners’.
Talk about boundaries early on with your co-parent and your partner. What are your and your co-parent’s expectations for your partner around such things as discipline, resolving disputes, communication, changeovers etc. Don’t learn what the boundaries are by overstepping them. But also, don’t assume things – you need to both be on the same page and communicate and understand the expectations.
Your partner is not a replacement for anyone. Not for mum. Not for dad. No one. As Dr Seus once said, ‘you are you, nothing is truer’. So let your partner just be themselves. They are in a unique position for the children where they aren’t the parent. They are in this slightly mystical middle land where they can be a friend and let the parents do the parenting. Your partner is not there to bring up another’s child. That can be the start of so many unintended issues…
You have history AKA baggage. That includes your children, your co-parent and all the memories that were made whilst you were together, whether your partner likes it or not. It isn’t going to change. It was their decision to take that on. Don’t you or your partner use that history to excuse your or their behaviour. And if your co-parent is behaving badly towards your partner, then maybe reconsider your and their approaches to the above points!
As I said at the start – there are 2 other significant relationships in your life that you need to seriously and genuinely consider: your children and your co-parent. It may not be easy, and I can guarantee it will push you out of your comfort zone. But when done right at the initial, the rest just falls into place.
* I prefer the term ‘co-parent’ as opposed to ‘ex’ or any other term. I find the other terms hold negative context and it shouldn’t be negative. Just because your relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean the other person is a bad person. It just means that your relationship was not meant to be. We need to use more neutral or positive terms to keep a more neutral or positive mindset when dealing with issues surrounding families.
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